Year Without the Sun
by Mnemosyne's Elegy
Summary: Gray has some concerns about this year's S-Class trials. While everyone else is excited by the announcements and preparations, he's not sure if he wants to participate at all.


"Yes!" Natsu whooped, leaping to his feet and bouncing about like a hyperactive child. Which was not too far from the truth, honestly. "This is going to be so much fun! This is my year, ice block! I'm going to beat you and be S-Class first!"

Gray hummed noncommittally, but his eyes followed Makarov as the elderly man hopped off the counter and left the guild abuzz in the wake of his announcement. This, he suspected, would be no one's year.

"Ooh, conceding already?" Natsu crowed.

"Whatever." Gray tried to smooth out his expression but couldn't summon up the enthusiasm that everyone else seemed to feel.

"But Juvia wants to be partners with Gray-sama!" Juvia wailed.

Gray was not moved by this plea either.

"I'm sure you'll find a good partner," Lucy reassured the water mage.

"But Juvia wants _Gray-sama_."

"If you're both participating, you can't really be partners…"

"Maybe love rival is just trying to be Gray-sama's partner herself!"

Lucy threw her hands in the air and gave up trying to be nice. "Who _are _you going to partner with?" she asked Gray curiously.

Gray shrugged and chewed on the inside of his cheek as he watched Makarov disappear into his office upstairs. A hand fell on his shoulder and he started out of his thoughts. Looking up, he found Loke standing beside him with a cocky grin.

"I did say that I'd be your partner, didn't I?" the spirit said.

"Can you do that?" Lucy asked, scratching her head. "I mean, since you're a spirit and we have a contract?"

"Sure. I can use my own magic to–"

Gray stood and punched Loke lightly on the arm. "Thanks, but don't worry about it."

"Uh…" Loke pushed his glasses further up his nose and stared at him blankly. "But–"

"I appreciate it, but…" Gray offered him a tired smile and turned away. "Excuse me for a moment."

He slipped through the crowds of well-meaning friends and excitable mages gearing up for a party to celebrate the upcoming S-Class trials.

Behind him, Erza asked, "Is he alright? What's gotten into him?"

"Dunno, but he'd better get his head in the game so that I can beat him fair and square," Natsu replied.

Gray walked out of earshot and started up the stairs. He let out his breath in a sigh as the sea of noise and the pressure of everyone pressing around faded to the background the further he ascended above the chaos. He didn't often come up here, but he found his way to the office without difficulty and knocked on the door.

"Come in," Makarov called.

Gray hesitated, the very tips of his fingers pressed lightly against the wood, but then set his shoulders and twisted the knob. "Hey, Jii-chan."

"Gray, what a surprise. How can I help you?" Makarov shoved aside a teetering stack of papers cluttering his desk and leaned forward in his chair. "Have you chosen your partner yet? Listening to you and Natsu bicker over who's going to win is undoubtedly going to get old quickly."

He smiled, but Gray stayed solemn as he sat down across from the Master.

"I don't want to participate in the S-Class trials this year."

Makarov blinked at him in surprise. "…What?"

Well, the words were out in the air now. Gray folded his hands on the desk, but his fingers fidgeted restlessly. He kept his gaze steady on the Master despite the urge to avert it from a conversation he didn't necessarily want to have. Eyes could give a lot away, and Makarov's were no exception. Gray knew what he was looking for and what he was expecting to see, and he might as well see it.

Right now, of course, all Makarov's eyes were showing was surprise and confusion. Gray wasn't one to back down from a challenge, especially not when Natsu was in any way involved, but occasionally he _was _clever enough to pick his fights.

"It's not like I have a chance," he said with a shrug.

Makarov's brows furrowed and every line of his face deepened into a frown. "It isn't like you to give up without trying. Nor to have so little confidence in yourself."

"It's not exactly a lack of confidence." Gray unlaced his fingers and propped one elbow on the desk. Propping his cheek against his fist, he watched the Master with hooded eyes. "Nor so much giving up as…picking my battles. The trials are rigged anyway, aren't they?"

Surprise seared like lightning across Makarov's face, but then settled into a high-alert wariness that he tried and failed to hide. "How do you mean?"

"Well, they don't determine who becomes S-Class, not really. You do." Gray shrugged. "As far as I can tell, the trials are a way to maybe gauge our abilities and give us something concrete to work towards and the hope of proving ourselves. Maybe even to be a test for the _real _S-Class candidates to pass. But they aren't the grand competitions everyone seems to think they are, because any winners are predetermined.

"You keep tabs on all of us. It's your job, really, as the master. You pay attention and decide when you think that someone is ready, and those are the people who get a real shot at the trials."

They stared at each other for a long minute, and Gray saw the truth reflected in the Master's eyes. Finally, Makarov sighed and leaned back.

"You're more observant than we give you credit for," he admitted. "You're right. It's my job to determine when someone is ready to take on the extra responsibility of being S-Class. It isn't only about raw power, as I'm sure you've realized. You also have to be mature enough and patient enough and able to make hard decisions without being reckless, among other things. I won't send my brats out on S-Class quests until I'm sure they're fully prepared for them. I do take the trials into consideration and they're designed to provide challenges to help future S-Class mages grow to their potential, but these are decisions that I make independently of them and I structure the trials accordingly. I watch all of you the whole year round, not just during the trials.

"You're right: this isn't going to be your year any more than it will be Natsu's. He's powerful, but still too reckless and immature to take on the additional responsibility. In a few years, I hope he'll grow into it. And you as well."

Gray nodded to himself. Makarov had only confirmed what he had suspected after watching several years of trials and figuring out the patterns. He wasn't surprised to hear that Natsu wouldn't be winning out this year—he'd come to the same conclusions as the Master on that count—but didn't doubt that the flame-brained fool would have a grand old time anyway and, hopefully, learn something from his failures. Gray wasn't surprised to hear that it wasn't going to be his year either, although it still stung to be judged unworthy.

"If you don't mind me asking… What is it that I need to be working on, then?"

A small smile flitted over Makarov's face. "Not at all. It's always good to see a willingness to learn and improve." He sobered with a sigh. "I think you've actually matured a lot more than we give you credit for, although I still wouldn't necessarily trust you with an S-Class job if Natsu was involved, for how much you two sometimes bring out the worst in each other. And I think you're clever, although I'm not convinced that you can stand to make all of the hardest decisions like Erza can.

"With you…the main problem is your self-sacrificial streak." Makarov suddenly looked a decade older, eyes tired and mouth drooping. Gray started in surprise and stared at him. "I've heard far too many reports of you attempting sacrificial stunts before exploring other options and I've seen some of your self-destructive behaviors. You've improved a little over the years, but you still have a habit of running yourself into the ground and being reckless with your own safety. S-Class quests are dangerous and provide more opportunities for self-destructive behaviors than your run-of-the-mill jobs, and I _will not _send one of my brats down that path unless I can trust them to take care of themselves and come back alive."

Gray considered that, keeping his face carefully neutral even though he was reeling inside. He hadn't realized that habit of his had been under such close scrutiny. Makarov…was probably right to be concerned, honestly. Gray just wasn't sure if it was an impulse that he would be able to curb so easily. He didn't set out to throw himself in front of every speeding bullet, but somehow it always seemed to happen and at some point it had become part of him.

A part of him that he would be more likely to survive without, he had to admit a bit ruefully. He didn't know that he would be able to 'fix' that, but it was a good starting point as to where to improve from here. He was a fighter and had every intention of getting stronger and becoming S-Class one day, so it wasn't a concern that he would ignore.

"I see," he said. "Okay."

"Okay?" Makarov repeated. He raised an eyebrow. "You don't want to offer a defense or convince me otherwise or prove why you deserve a real shot at S-Class?"

Gray shrugged. "You're the Master, Jii-chan. I respect your decisions and I trust that you have good reasons for everything you do. I know they aren't decisions that you make lightly."

"Hm… You really have matured a great deal, even if you don't always act like it." Makarov tugged at one side of his mustache and eyed Gray thoughtfully. "Still, are you sure you don't want to participate? Aside from the thrill of competition, it's good exposure and practice. The challenges are designed to facilitate growth and improvement—they aren't just pointless games. You might get something out of it."

"I don't think so." Gray frowned and ran a hand through his hair, unable to explain the sudden reluctance and heavy sense of foreboding that had settled over him the past day or two. "I'm just…not feeling it this year. I don't… I don't even know why, I just…"

"It's alright. It's probably good that you're listening to your gut instead of just charging right on in. It's good to listen to yourself. Perhaps your body or brain or heart is having a tough time and is asking for a break. Take care of yourself, Gray."

Gray raised an eyebrow. "Oh?" he said in an almost teasing tone. "You aren't even going to try convincing me to go anyway?"

Makarov folded his hands and shook his head soberly. "That is your choice, and I respect it."

Gray searched his face, but then sighed and stood up, offering him a faint smile. "Don't worry, I'll still be training and keeping myself busy, and hopefully I'll be feeling better about things soon. Maybe I'm just too tired or worn out or something. But have fun on Tenrou."

"Of course." Makarov waited until Gray was already halfway out the door before adding, "If you find a way to manage your self-destructive impulses, you'll be S-Class sooner rather than later."

Gray turned back and gave him a small smile. "Thanks, Jii-chan."

He shut the door quietly behind him. That was good to hear, that at least he still had a chance in the future, maybe even the near future. His day would come sooner or later, even if it wouldn't be this year.

Actually, that whole talk had gone surprisingly well, much better than he had expected it to. It hadn't lifted that strange feeling of foreboding that hung over the coming trials like a malaise, but it made the future seem a little brighter.

Now all he had to do was try explaining to everyone else that he wasn't going to participate, and he didn't see that going nearly as smoothly. Natsu was going to pitch a _fit_.

But even if it wasn't going to be their year, Gray trusted that they'd still find the sun somewhere. Maybe, he reflected, in each other. S-Class or not, they would still be family.

* * *

Gray couldn't help but laugh through his breaking heart. Out of everything in the world, a fucking _dragon_?

* * *

**Note: Basically, the S-Class trials don't make sense. The entire S-Class system is kind of sketchy, actually, but the trials are the most obviously broken system. This was sort of an attempt to fill in some of the gaps and close up some of the holes, I guess. I like to think that Makarov has a more intelligent scheme in mind with these than the haphazard weirdness canon threw at us lol**

**emmahoshi: But it doesn't make seeense lol I don't really understand the whole appeal of tournaments lol I prefer a more fairly judged merit system. Sadly, that's a bit less dramatic. The dragon being Acnologia, the culprit behind the seven-year timeskip after Tenrou (if you don't count Mavis' interference). I wasn't originally going to use the canon Tenrou trials since that point wasn't that relevant to the story, but then I was like, eh, why not? lol Thanks for R&Ring.**


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